I went to a family Christmas party last week in Tennessee. The theme was “Country Christmas” but I’d been calling it “Redneck Christmas” in hopes of offending my mother-in-law.
There was a prize for the person with the ugliest sweater. I was determined to win it. So, the morning of the party, I went to Walmart. I thought for sure they would have a huge selection of ugly Christmas sweaters, but there was nothing. I wanted to ask a salesperson to help me, but it’s hard to talk to a salesperson when you’re shopping ironically. The best I could find were silk Santa boxers. Hilarious, but underwear costumes aren’t really appropriate for a family party.
I left Walmart and drove to Target. Target had nothing. I got angry. Where does one go to buy ugly clothes? Don’t these stores want to serve their customers? (Gap didn’t open for 2 more hours.)
On my way home, I saw a sign for Kmart. Yes!! I swerved across 3 lanes of traffic and pulled into the parking lot. If anyplace has ugly sweaters, it had to be Kmart.
Wrong again. They had some Christmas-themed clothing, but nothing that would even get me an honorable mention in an ugly sweater contest. Distraught, I went home, rounded up the family and drove to Tennessee.
We crossed the border from Georgia and got off the highway. I had hoped we’d find a thrift shop along the route, but all I could see were houses with rusty pickup trucks growing in the front yard.
Then we rounded a turn and came upon a general store. There was a huge sign advertising college football memorabilia. The clouds parted. Angels emerged, singing the Hallejuah chorus. I was saved.
5 minutes later and $20 poorer, we were on on our way to meet my mother-in-law and her family. Approximately 73% of the individuals at the party were Georgia Tech graduates. Here’s a picture of me with my mother-in-law:
Sadly, I didn’t win the contest. The judge’s son won for dressing as cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation. Apparently they were impressed with my effort, but decided that anyone wearing a UGA shirt can’t be a winner.
Whatever, obviously it was rigged. The consolation prize is that I can wear this sweatshirt every time my mother-in-law comes over.
This is what happened when I played the UGA fight song on Apple TV