Herbietown - An Apology To My Readers

An Apology To My Readers

There is something about a Rubik’s Cube that infuriates me.

I can’t do it.

I am a good puzzle solver. A great test taker. I’m above average. I’m probably way above average, to be honest. I am really smart.

Not only that, but I’m willing to spend hours solving puzzles. I grow obsessed with things that most people just shrug off. (My wife LOVES this about me.)

For example, I built a website from scratch when I was in business school…I spent HOURS on the internet learning HTML and CSS until I had the site looking exactly as I wanted it to. Then I would spend the entire weekend changing it. Most people don’t have the patience for cell padding. I do.

When I do my taxes, I don’t accept Turbo Tax or my accountant’s opinion. I build my own Excel model. I can tell you, to the penny, exactly how much tax I will owe this year. It’s a flexible model with clear assumptions, inputs, calculations and outputs. Most people take a percentage of their income as a rough guess and then hope Turbo Tax surprises them with good news. Not me. I need to create it myself, from scratch, in order to understand exactly how the math works.

I love flexing this part of my brain.

But I can’t solve a Rubik’s cube. My brain just doesn’t think that way. It can’t visualize the pieces as they rotate around the cube. It just doesn’t work. I solved the Rubik’s Cube in this picture by cheating on the internet, and even then, it took me hours.

I finally understand what stupid people feel like.

It sucks.

So, to all my loyal readers, I am sorry that you are stupid, and I’m sorry for all the times I’ve mocked you. You can’t help it. I get that now.

You think gay people are bad. You believe that all Muslims are going to hell. You think that marijuana is dangerous for consenting adults but alcohol and tobacco are perfectly safe. You voted for Sarah Palin and would do it again.

I am so sorry. It’s not your fault.

Your brain just doesn’t work right.