Category Archives: Make me a bicycle, clown!: Humor

Why, Dad, Why?

So yeah, my father has had both an impressive athletic and business career, and he’s done some amazing things for me. I’m proud of him. He’s definitely much cooler than your father.

But he’s not perfect. And that’s why I’m writing this post. My father has the worst taste in cars of anyone I’ve ever known.

I’m the Mayor!!

“Excuse me, so I’m the Mayor on Foursquare? And that means I get 15% off my food?” I show the server my iPhone. She clearly has no idea what I’m talking about. It’s like that scene in the Sex and the City movie where Carrie needs to make a phone call and someone hands her an iPhone and she has no idea how to work it.

Little Dogs

So I walk in the door last night, after being in Atlanta all week, and I discover my kids curled up on the couch watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. It’s a movie about a talking chihuahua. I should have ripped the TV off the wall at that very moment.  I HATE little dogs.  I hate […]

People From Connecticut

I thought it would be helpful to offer up a primer on People From Connecticut. I’m talking mainly about people from lower Fairfield County, but it’s much more fun to generalize.

Beard Confidence

Confidence has always been my biggest problem. Perhaps my early experience with Christianity and eventual rejection of all religion caused me to lose faith in anything ‘certain’, including myself. Or perhaps I just have low self-esteem because I grew up with HUGE buck teeth, color blind, scrawny, and unable to play sports with balls. But, […]

I Have a Man Crush on Daniel Craig

I finally watched Girl With The Dragon Tattoo last night. Great movie. I had been expecting all these hot lesbian scenes with Lisbeth, but instead I found myself with a full-on man crush on Daniel Craig. The man is hot. And he has a deliberate way of doing things that is just so tough, so […]

An Apology To My Readers

There is something about a Rubik’s Cube that infuriates me. I can’t do it. I am a good puzzle solver. A great test taker. I’m above average. I’m probably way above average, to be honest. I am really smart. Not only that, but I’m willing to spend hours solving puzzles. I grow obsessed with things […]

Inappropriate Thoughts at Tee Ball

Jack had his first tee ball practice on Saturday. It was 40 degrees out. He wouldn’t take his baseball glove off all morning. He was excited to play baseball.

I didn’t know what to wear.

Dermatology and Thongs

Whenever I see too many commercial practices in a doctor’s office, I get turned off. I’m here so I can get better, not to help you make money. Think teeth-whitening brochures at the dentist. Don’t sell me a cosmetic procedure, just clean my teeth so I can get out of here. I saw a dermatologist […]


I’m shocked no one has ever compared me to Herbert, the pervert on Family Guy.  Shocked.  Almost to the point where I wonder if y’all are talking about me behind my back.

Moist Auto-Correct

My wife hates the word “moist.” I don’t know why, but she always has. It’s like nails on a chalkboard for her. Apparently it’s pretty common. A family friend recently showed me how to create these cool text shortcuts on the iPhone. You can type in “omw” for example, and auto-correct will change it to […]

Look at Me

Look at me. I mean, just look at me. Greta took this picture in St. John a couple weeks ago. I am standing in front of the sign for Trunk Bay [I zoomed and cropped so you could get a nice close-up]. I wanted to send it to my father, because I had been there […]

Too Many TV’s at The Gym

I go to the gym to feel good. The goal is to get blood pumping through my body, to get my muscles moving, and to turn off my mind. I would prefer to run outside, in the forest, surrounded by chipmunks and butterflies. But it’s pitch black at 5am, and the forest doesn’t have a […]

Dinosaur Sex

I guess the kids have to learn somehow. I was in the middle of a meeting when I received a text from my wife.  It said, simply “Diplodocus Sex” and included this picture. I love getting texts like this during the day.  It reminds me that the important things in life are going to be […]

REVIEW: Breaking Dawn Part 1, The Twilight Saga

I was coming straight from the office, so I met my wife at the movie theater. She was already inside. I handed the cashier my credit card. “I ordered online.” “Just the one?” I tried not to blush. ——————– I knew I was in trouble before the movie even started. The first preview was for […]

Breaking Dawn

I thought it was a phase, brought on by back-to-back births and adjusting to suburban exile. But there’s no end in sight. She owns all 4 paperbacks. [$50] She’s seen all the movies in the theater, multiple times each. [at least $200] She owns the Amazon version of the movies, and the Blu-Rays. [$150] Now […]

Spin Class

6 months ago, I joined a gym and started going to Spin class. If you haven’t done Spin class before, I can imagine how your opinion of me just changed. I can imagine this because I remember exactly what I used to think about Spin class before I tried it: From the outside, all you […]

Sexy Time in Jack's Book?

Every time I read Bebe Goes Shopping to Jack, I find myself experiencing a slight attraction to Mama, a key character in the book. The Amazon review of this bilingual (children’s) story describes it this way: “In this warm and engaging picture book, a routine visit to the grocery store becomes an exciting outing.” I’ll […]

I Realized Today that I’m a Hot Stud

We just got home from the Super Stop & Shop in Stamford. I usually HATE grocery shopping with Greta. This is mostly due to male laziness. But I realized today that part of the reason I abhor grocery shopping is that I have no control over anything that happens. Greta decides what we’re going to […]