Category Archives: My Never-Ending Battle With Myself: Ethics

Free Puppies!

The boys and I were gleeful when we made the signs.

Is My Beard My Mid-Life Crisis?

Is my beard my mid-life crisis?  Is this it? Or at least how it starts?  Like now that I’ve taken step one, I can just go off the handle, buy a chainsaw motorcycle, and start smoking joints that I buy from some teenage neighbor? Pre and post beard.  You can easily see the difference.

Second Place in a Beauty Contest

I got schooled in Monopoly last night. (Actually I let my wife beat me, because she’s 39 weeks pregnant and it felt like the right thing to do.) But it was fun.  So many memories came back to me. I played a lot of Monopoly as a kid.  Each new Community Chest card brought a […]

Is This All There Is?

You may not be able to relate, because you’re not as successful as I am.

Too Many TV’s at The Gym

I go to the gym to feel good. The goal is to get blood pumping through my body, to get my muscles moving, and to turn off my mind. I would prefer to run outside, in the forest, surrounded by chipmunks and butterflies. But it’s pitch black at 5am, and the forest doesn’t have a […]

I Am Not Gay

I’ve known this since 7th grade, and I can tell you precisely when I realized it. I was sitting in math class. I looked over at Mike Finn, 2 desks away, and imagined what it would be like to make out with him. This was back when making out was the most exciting thing imaginable. […]

Black Friday

Black Friday is the ultimate commercial takeover of an American tradition. One day we sit around a table with our families and talk about how thankful we are for what we have. The very next day we attack each other with pepper spray for the last XBOX at Wal-Mart.  Or with real guns. There’s something […]

Victoria Wants Me To Look at Her Secret

I’d really like people to submit comments on this post. I have an important question: When a man walks past a Victoria’s Secret, what exactly is he supposed to do with his eyes? I’m serious. I’d like to know. I walk past one every day. It’s directly across the street from my office. The window […]

Hey Daddy, What’s Business?

“What are you doing Daddy?” “I’m making a presentation, Jack.” “What’s a presentation?” “Well, a presentation is a document used to convince people to do something.” “What’s a presentation?” “It’s a way for grown-ups to tell a story about business.” “What’s business?” “It’s a word that people use to talk about how they get things […]